


A Heart That Feels Too Much

by iwearheelsnow



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Anne is fragile, Charity is always there for her, F/M, So is Phillip, Tom cooking skills are awful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 17:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13506354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwearheelsnow/pseuds/iwearheelsnow
Summary: That night, the pressure was too much for Anne to handle.





	A Heart That Feels Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe this is almost 3000 words long. + sorry for any mistakes I might have made :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Anne and Phillip always had to hide behind closed doors. Otherwise, people would judge. At first, she didn’t mind. “Let them talk”, she used to think. But now that she knew just how bad the glares could get, she wasn’t as sure she wanted the strangers to see everything now.

That enraged Phillip. They often talked about it and every single time, he’d say the same thing over and over again: “Why do you care so much what others think?” To be completely honest, she didn’t know the answer. It was just too much. She couldn’t handle such pressure.

Her whole life, Anne hid. She was always less important, less intelligent, less beautiful, less _everything_. People never looked at her, never talked to her – except to give her orders.

When she joined the circus, the hardest thing wasn’t the trapeze. It wasn’t the new environment she was in either. It was the stares. Everywhere she would go, especially when she wore her purple sparkly outfit and pink wig, people would stare at her. Performers and spectators. In awe and in disgust.

She acted like she didn’t care and sometimes, she actually enjoyed the attention. It made her powerful for once. Other times – most of the time actually – she felt uncomfortable, anxious. She didn’t like the be the center of attention, it was too much pressure. She didn’t like when people counted on her either. She was always afraid to disappoint.

That’s exactly why she started acting vigilantly around Phillip. She wasn’t ashamed of him in any way - if anything, she felt proud. She loved him with all her heart and wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but the world they lived in didn’t allow that. She tried and, for a while, it actually worked. For a while, she was blinded by love and actually believed it was enough for her not to care about the whispers. But then again, reality came rushing back.

She tried to explain that to Phillip, but he never listened. He was an eternal optimist and he convinced himself that the glares would never affect them. He convinced himself they’d never care what others thought. Maybe he was able to believe such things, but she wasn’t. She wanted to, but she couldn’t.

  
The thing is that, at first, it only affected her. At first, Phillip didn’t read too much into her words and actions. He knew she wasn’t as comfortable as he was and accepted that. He respected the fact that she wasn’t ready for all the attention yet. But as time passed by, he began to become more and more eager to show the world their love. He started holding her hand in public and sometimes, he even kissed her. The first times, she laughed. It was cute. But after a couple of times, she started to get self-conscious. “What do people say when they see us?” she often wondered. She knew she shouldn’t care and wished she didn’t, but the glares were too present to ignore.

Phillip also noticed her change of attitude.

***

That night, the pressure was too much for Anne to handle. She couldn’t do it. When their performance ended and Phillip caught her in his arms, she tensed up. He bent down for their usual kiss, but she turned her head and his lips ended up on her cheek. A second later, she heard Phillip whisper: “We need to talk.”

***

When the crowd started cheering, Anne immediately left Phillip’s arms and went backstage.

  
She ran. There were tears in her eyes. She reached a mirror and stared at herself. She looked sick: her face was pale and her eyes bloodshot. “Stop behaving like a child. Grow up, Anne. Stop making a scene”, she mentally told herself. “Stop crying, for god’s sake! You are stronger than that.” Her heartbeat started to slow down when she heard Phillip’s voice.

“Lettie, have you seen Anne?”

There was no way he was going to see her like that. She knew she could be vulnerable around him – hell, she couldn’t look worse than what he did after the fire -, but something inside her screamed for her to leave the area. To dry her eyes and to go to her room. _Now._

She turned on her heel and walked away. She sighed loudly. She knew how childish her actions were, but she couldn’t confront him right now. He’d probably ask her what was wrong, if _he_ did something wrong. Then, she’d tell him she wasn’t feeling well. He’d take care of her.

She’d cry. Again. He’d tell her it’s okay. Again. She’d be weak. Again.

That was what happened every time. But not this time. This time, she’d go into her room, take off her wig, purple outfit and makeup and she’d sleep. She’d wake up in the morning and act like nothing happened. Like everything was fine.

That was her plan, but it wasn’t Phillip’s. He would give her space if it was what she needed, but he couldn’t stay away from her long.

He knew she was upset. Lately, she had started acting weird around him. He tried to make her understand that the world’s opinion of them didn’t matter, but she’d always start screaming at him. She’d angrily tell him that, _yes_ , it mattered. That, _no_ , she could not simply shut them off. That she tried, but that she failed every time. It broke his heart to see her so sad, so scared all the time. He didn’t know what to do anymore. 

***

Anne had been in bed for around an hour, tossing and turning, hoping to catch a little sleep tonight. She felt mentally and physically exhausted, but she couldn’t sleep. She had too many thought in head. Was Phillip mad? He probably was. She knew _she_ would be mad if he ran away like she did. He probably didn’t even want to talk to her anymore. He probably realized what a waste of time and energy she was. He probably –

“Anne? Can I come in?”

It was Charity.

“Sure”, Anne said softly. She only was happy it wasn’t _him_.

Anne sat on her bed and so did Charity. The blonde looked at Anne, but it wasn’t the same way the others did. In Charity’s eyes, Anne saw love, sympathy, and worry.

“You scared us earlier, darling. Everyone wondered what made you run away like that.”

“I’m sorry”, Anne simply said. She didn’t want the others to worry.

“Don’t be. It happens to the best of us.”

  
Then, there was a comfortable silence. They didn’t say anything, just enjoyed the silence. Quiet moments like these were rare nowadays. Especially when you lived in a circus.

“He’s worried about you. He wants to give you space, but it’s killing him. He’s antsy”, the mother of two gently revealed. “He wants to be there for you, Anne. Don’t push him away.”

The young trapeze artist didn’t know what to say. She knew Phillip was hurting because of her. It made her heart aches.

“No matter what I do or say, it’ll hurt him. Just being seen with me hurts him.”

Charity stared at the young girl with a perplexed expression. “What does that even mean?”

“He doesn’t belong here, with me. He belongs to the rich, snobby people. That’s where he was born and that’s where he’ll forever belong. No matter how much he wants us to work, his world will never allow it.”

“You seem to forget it’s not his world anymore. He left it all. He doesn’t regret it.” Charity reminded her with a calm voice. “Neither do I.”

Anne always forgot where Charity came from.

“I know it’s hard to believe, Anne, but people _can_ change”, she added.

“What made you change? Was it love?”

“No. Love only made me realize I _needed_ to change. What made me truly change, was myself. I changed because _I_ wasn’t happy anymore. Because _I_ didn’t want to be apart of this whole thing anymore. It was _my_ decision to change and abandon it all.” Charity sighed. “It was Phillip’s decision too. He had everything he could have dreamt of, but he chose _us_. He chose to have a family instead of having money.”

“And do you regret it sometimes? Your decision to leave it all behind, I mean”, Anne quietly whispered.

“Never.”

That made Anne think. P.T and the girls’ love was enough for Charity. Their love was enough to make her choose to leave it all behind. And not regret it.

“You should ask him the same thing”, Charity said, with care in her eyes.

The young woman must have looked confused because Charity added: “Phillip. You should ask him if he regrets leaving everything behind.”

Anne wasn’t sure she wanted to know. Not tonight, at least. She needed sleep. _A lot_ of sleep.

“Maybe tomorrow.”

Then, Charity inched closer to Anne and gave her a hug. There was something comforting about Charity and Anne never wanted to leave her warmth. In her arms, she felt safe. It’s the safer she felt since her mother died. The blonde woman stroked her hair for a minute and whispered in her ear: “Never forget that you are loved.”

A silent tear rolled down Anne’s cheek. “Thank you”. Her voice broke. “Thank you for everything.”

Charity pulled away and kissed her cheek. “I’ll always be there for you.”

Then she left and closed the door behind her. The room felt cold. Anne rested her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. She needed sleep.

That night, Anne slept for the first time in weeks.

***

When she woke up in the morning, the first thing she heard was a soft knock on her door. The door opened and she held her breath for a second. Then, she saw blonde hair and a smile appeared on her face.

“Anne, darling, it’s almost noon. Everyone’s waiting for you”, Charity informed her in a motherly tone.

“I overslept, I’m sorry. Tell the others I’m coming.”

“I’ll tell them.” Charity was about to leave when she turned around and said: “Oh and Anne, stop apologizing all the time.”

A smile crept across her face and she couldn’t help but laugh. “Okay.”

As soon as the door closed, Anne got out of bed and put on some more appropriate clothes. She knew that everyone would ask her questions and that she’d probably see Phillip, but she was ready for it. Her conversation with Charity made her realize that the people downstairs were all people she could trust. They were all people that loved her and that she loved.

***

“- and then she said she forgot her dog at home”, she heard Tom say as the others laughed.

Everyone was sitting in a circle, on the ground, and were telling stories. They looked so happy.

“I would have loved to see that!”, Phillip’s joyfully said.

Her heart raced. She hadn’t seen him. She suddenly felt the urge to run away, but Charity’s voice echoed in her head: “Never forget that you are loved.” Yes, Anne was loved.

“I would have loved it too”, she heard herself say.

Everyone turned around and his eyes immediately found hers. His smile disappeared. He looked sad, actually. Everyone looked at them, waiting to see what would happen. They eventually all realized what made her run away the day before. They understood.

Knowing how nervous Anne was, Charity said: “We’ll leave you two to talk.”

Everyone stood up and left the room. The two of them were now alone. Anne mentally thanked Charity. Not long after, Phillip started walking towards her.

Then he stopped. His eyes never left hers until she lowered her head to avoid his gaze.

“Don’t hide away from me”, he said with a soft voice.

The sound of his voice was enough for her heart to skip a beat. “I shouldn’t have run away like that yesterday.”

He sighed loudly. “I just – I want to understand what’s scaring you so much. I want to help you.”

Anne felt the tears welled up in her eyes and cursed under her breath. “If I’m being honest with you Phillip, everything is scaring. All of this, it’s new to me. Not long ago, the only family I had was my brother, we had no home, no money, no respect. We never felt safe. Here, I found everything. It’s comforting in a way, but it’s also extremely scary.”

“Yeah, change is scary”, Phillip whispered, his words almost inaudible. “You know, when I agreed to this partnership with Barnum, I was actually half drunk.” He laughed. “I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Even before that, nothing was ever clear in my life. Until I saw you. When I saw you, flying across the room on a trapeze, everything cleared up. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I knew I belonged somewhere.”

Anne knew she had to ask it. “Phillip, do you sometimes regret leaving your parents and inheritance behind? Do you sometimes miss your old life?”

“No, I don’t miss it. I never miss it. How could I miss anguish, being mistreated and being unloved? Back then, they only thing that mattered were money, fame, looks, and parties. Back then, I didn’t know what love or family were. Back then, I had never truly lived.”

Anne knew Phillip Carlyle loved her. From the very first moment they locked eyes, she knew they had a connection. But to hear him confess such sincere things to her, for him to express such strong feeling towards her was something else. She had never been this loved. It was a magnificent sensation.

She wanted to say something, anything, really, but nothing came out. Her lips quivered and despite her efforts, tears started to her eyes. She suddenly felt extremely weak and sat on the floor. Phillip saw and knelt beside her, passing his arm around her waist.

“I’m sorry, I swear I’m happy…I don’t want to cry, I’m just – I can’t stop it”, Anne hiccupped.

“Anne, it’s okay. Darling, you went through so much. You can cry, it doesn’t make you weak. It just proves you’re human.”

“But I cry all the time –”

“So _what_?” Phillip said. Loudly. He sighed. “I did too, before. Every night, I’d cry myself to sleep. And I don’t think I’m weak because of it. If anything, it made me stronger.”

She saw the pain in his eyes. He also had a heavy past. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

“I love you so much, Anne Wheeler. And seeing you hurt so much hurts me too. I just want you to be happy.”

A second tear rolled down.

“I want to be happy”, she said. “With _you_.”

A third tear was about to roll down Phillip’s cheek, but Anne caught it with her thumb.

“The thing is that the attention irks me. I hate it. They look at us like we are monstrosities”, she said in a whisper.

“They do, that’s true. But that’s because they don’t understand. They don’t know you, they don’t know any of us. And they will never try to know us, sadly.”

“If they felt the way we love, maybe they’d let us be”, she said, hopeful.

“I wouldn’t count on it, darling.”

Anne remembered Charity’s words. “But Phillip, people _can_ change. You did.”

He smiled sweetly and took her hands in his. “I did.”

Both of them were still sitting on the ground. Anne gently laid her head on Phillip’s shoulder as he traced small circles on the back of her hands.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you when you said you didn’t feel comfortable about public displays of attention. I don’t want to do anything you’re not at ease with.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry that I care so much about all the whispers. I’d probably be happier if I didn’t, but I can’t help it”, she said, feeling better now that they had talked about it.

“I understand. Maybe one day, we’ll learn to ignore it.”

“Maybe, one day”, she agreed with a small smile.

Then, silence. It felt good.

  
“I love you”, Phillip said as he took her in his arms, circling them around her waist.

“I love you too”, she said confidently as she locked her arms around his neck. “I truly appreciate that you listened to what I had to say.”

“And I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it”, he confessed as he lowered his head to kiss her.

Their lips were inches apart and –

“Hey, lovebirds, the dinner is ready!” they heard the other performers say from afar.

The two looked at each other, amused.

“They always have perfect timing, don’t they?” Anne said, giggling.

“They do”, Phillip agreed as he helped Anne stand up. They locked both hands and eyes.

They started to walk towards the kitchen where all the others were when Phillip asked:

“I wonder who cooked dinner?”

“I think it was Tom’s turn…”, Anne responded.

Phillip stopped. He looked at Anne with a pale face. She smiled knowingly.

“Then I propose we skip dinner and go straight to my room”, Phillip offered with a sly smile.

She giggled and nodded. “How could I refuse such an offer, Mr. Carlyle?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> You can leave a kudos or a comment and you can also send me fic requests on my tumblr @i-wear-heels-now.


End file.
